New Order Mormon

[Mike Michaels]

A couple weeks ago I received an email out of the blue from one of my former LDS boy scouts. He completed a FTM, married, completed his undergrad degree at BYU, and is now attending law school. He was a mature and well-rounded boy for his age when I was his Scoutmaster. The email was one of greeting and enquiry about me and my family. His email presented me with a dilemna.

When I resigned I wanted to help people understand why I was leaving in a manner that would not undermine their faith. I wanted them to be at peace with it and subtely help them to not project the "angry apostate" title onto me. As a result I sent letters to select individuals explaining my departure in terms that excluded discussion of historical issues or claims of truth. It was simply time for me to move on.

Understandably I didn't send such letters to former boy scouts who were serving FTMs or in college by that point. All of these boys come from LDS dominant areas, and although they know many non-members, their worldview is entirely and thoroughly LDS. Of course, their families are all uber TBM too. I figured the time to discuss my departure would arrive eventually and I could reframe myself to them at a later date after they had more life experience and might be better capable of processing such information. Certainly I did not want to hear from an angry parent either.

So the day arrived with this young man. I was at a loss. I wanted him to know who I am now but yet some factors make my views less important than his. You see, this boy was five years old when his father was killed in a plane crash. His mother did not remarry during his childhood. [She recently remarried in the temple for "time only".] The golden key that holds his family together is the hope in their Eternal Family being reunited in the hereafter. Who am I to take that away from them?

Adding to that, his wife is the daughter of a SP that I know and who knows me reasonably well from my TBM days. The SP may know that I have left the Church through the grapevine. He's an attorney and has great influence on his attorney-to-be SIL.

I thought about it for several days. In the end I decided that it would not be productive for my relationship with this young man to reveal changes in my beliefs. My father means a great deal to me. If I was in this boy's shoes I would want my LDS worldview to remain intact.

He's a smart kid. Maybe some day he'll figure out the incongruencies of Mormon doctrine. Maybe he'll learn of the historical issues if he hasn't already. Or maybe not. By bloodline, profession, looks, and ability he could become a GA some day. Unquestionably he'll be a bishop and likely a SP. Blame me if he's not a NOMish or enlightened LDS leader. No matter how flawed in certain aspects, the Mormon belief system does work well for some people. I don't have the heart to pop his Mormon bubble.
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"I left the woods for as good a reason as I went there. Perhaps it seemed to me that I had several more lives to live and could not spare any more time for that one."

Thoreau

[Dathon]

I understand your motivation and I applaud your compassion and open-heartedness. You're still a great Scout Master in my book and a model post Mormon NOM.

[fencesitter]

I highly doubt that your previous scout is at a point in his life where he openly and willingly accept someone who has "fallen away". While that isn't necessarily the case, given his current situation, that is probably how you are, unfortunately, percieved. I think your doing the right things keeping your beliefs to yourself. This is a great opportunity for him to realize that many people leave the church and are still happy human beings and families. He'll ask when he's ready to really know.

[sattva]

You can never predict how someone will take the news or what they are ready to hear. I figure that my beliefs are my beliefs, and others can believe what they want. If they want to believe that I'm an apostate, that's fine. Really. If they want to believe in sealing power from God, then that's just where they're at.

We can't take that belief away from someone, even if we want to. We can't change what they think of us, even if we want to. My good friend asked me not to talk to her Young adult daughter about the church, and I had to just tell her that I would handle it as I saw wise in the moment. I had to ask her to trust me on that.

The only way I know how to live in truth is to go about my own business, keeping my own beliefs in check and answering honestly and asking honestly when questions come and go between friends. In any conversation, it is good to be careful not to take an "I'm right and you're ignorant" attitude.

[greenfrog]

For quite some time, I avoided telling my wife about my doubts about various things for fear that it would ruin her testimony.

She laughs about that, these days.

The fact is, very intelligent, hardworking, honest, and open-minded people can be TBMs. She's one of them.

Now I wonder how much suffering I caused others by pretending to something that wasn't true. I'm reasonably clear how much suffering I caused myself.

All that said, few LDS people know (or care that much, I suspect) about my belief set outside of my family and my church leaders. In all my years, I don't think that more than three or four have ever asked me what I believe about a particular question.

My commitment: I'll answer any question asked of me, so long as a response won't violate my obligations to others (I'm a lawyer, and what I know about my clients, I just won't tell.)
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greenfrog
...the true religion, the religion of snow,
and sunlight and winter geese barking in the sky

[Jackene]

A wise person once told me something that has become very signifigant in my postLDS life... "you don't have to tell everything you know."

I deliberately do not share my thoughts and feelings concerning the LDS church with members. I have just found that it, for the most part, would be a practice in futility. The people who hae appraoched me already have their own set of conclusions about me, what I believe and why I left. I will calmly, politely set the record straight. But in most cases is does no good. It is almost like most of them have already decided to believe what they want to believe about the reasons why.

I just want to avoid arguing and debate. Life is too short, time too precious. I want peace.

Mike, my heart goes out to you. You seem to be a very deep, caring person. Your concern for this young man is evidence of that. This is hard stuff.

I was briefly in the home of a friend tonight. There are some friends we make in this life who seem to find their way to the very center of our hearts. Well, this friend is one of them for me. I can honestly say I felt as much for their peace and happiness as I would of my own sibling. But, now, I am an apostate. I have left the fold and they have not. Nothing is the same. I have sat up late hours and cried with this friend. My heart has broken for them in their darkest moments. I would have done anything for them, and they for us. We had a special connection, like a family. But, now it is gone. It is so strange, so unreal that all that could be gone now, just since we stopped going to church. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it.

I miss my friend.

But, like you, I have considered the best road to take. I have chosen to let them lead the way. I won't push myself on someone. I won't make them uncomfortable. So, like tonight, we are reduced to cordial acquaintences.

i think to myself, I don't hate the church. I could love you and support you and celebrate the milestones in your life. i don't have to let the church be the deal breaker. I never say a word about the things that changed my point of view about Mormonism.

Mike, I think you are doing the right thing. It seems that you must have been a pretty important person to this boy. I would not say anything. Maybe if he does find out eventually, he will know by experience that you are still the same wonderful guy that you always were. Maybe he will see past the word 'apostate' and really see you there, and can love you anyway.

You have a very unselfish, kind heart. I think that this boy needs more of you in his life than he needs the knowledge of where your beliefs are. Membership in a church, or the lack of it, do not make a person whom they are. I would say he is a very lucky guy to have you in his life.

I wish people would not let things like religion divide them from one another. Love is the great healer, the ultimate teacher. It is so sad how we push it away from us when we need it so much.

Peace to you.

jax
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Mellyleah said:

I don't agree that feminism is the voice of women. I think it is the voice of justice. That's why it shouldn't be limited to women.

[Mike Michaels]

[Dathon]

[Galileo]

I've been having a bit of a struggle with this as well - with my 16 year old brother. I know he looks up to me a lot and he knows I know a lot about the church. About a year ago he started asking me questions about issues that one of his "anti-friends" would bring up. A lot of the things were bogus and I would dissect his friend's lame arguments. But looking back, I think I may have used some lame apologetics or skirted around some issues.

I was a TBM in transition to NOM-hood then. Yesterday my brother brought up a couple more questions. One was about Kolob - he said "So God lives near Kolob, not on Kolob right? I just said "Yeah." Then he started talking about how his friend told him about the Godmakers movie. I don't really know what to say to all of this, but some of the comments above help me put some of my jumbled thoughts in order.