New Order Mormon

[Latterday Skeptic]

That line was a reinterpretation of this one I've heard before:

"God comes when He comes, but when He comes, he is never late."

I just saw another well meaning and kind person dead on his bed. He had terminal cancer, had been in a wheelchair most of his adult life due to a car accident, was a recovering alcoholic (sober x 5yrs), and, as a therapist, treated sexual offenders who were also developmentally disabled. I knew his prognosis was poor, and had managed to see him only a day ½ prior and talked at him briefly (he was on a ventilator, poor fellow, so he could only respond with facial expressions). Others had brought flowers, which they didn’t allow in his room, so I wondered what I might do for this man who obviously cared for those he tried to help.

With my wife’s help, we determined that I could get a blanket and have many of his clients and people who knew him sign messages of love and support, since he was going to likely be going to hospice soon (assuming they could wean him off the vent, I was told). So I spent the next day getting the blanket and going around to different places I visit and getting people to sign. On Friday, I got up and had wanted to go to give the blanket in the morning, but I knew there were some people still out that wanted to sign. I went around all over again. The compliments were endless to me, “this is a great idea, I’m so glad you’re doing this”.

I ended up showing up at 2:00 pm… blanket in hand, approximately an hour after he died.

The family was kind, allowed me to come in, and view him: yellow, lifeless, mouth open with a facial expression looking as if death had been horrible. (family said it was generally peaceful, however).

I was, obviously, sad that I hadn’t been able to get there in time. His wife told me, “I don’t think he understood how well he was respected by so many people. He said at one point that he didn’t understand what his purpose was.” And then his daughter said, “If he had seen the blanket, he would have known.” His wife, I and his kids then quickly concluded, “He does now. He knows”, though my questionable belief in an afterlife made my own responses sound hollow and meaningless.

Once again I felt I was having to make up excuses for God…again. Like the child of an alcoholic parent who has to cover for daddy who frequently fails to show up as promised, to console myself that he still loves me and others.

I think about if a merciful God had been aware that I was going through all of this effort to get something to this man that would have meant so much to him, helped him find some comfort in his life’s work, wouldn’t that same all-powerful being find some way to keep him alive until I could get it there? Or sent me an unmistakable message that I needed to get to the hospital?

Latterday Skeptic
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“I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.” -- Ronnie Shakes

[Nom de Cypher]

Gosh, that story makes me sad. I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm of the opinion that if you want to momentarily believe in God, to get you through a tough time, there is nothing wrong with that. I also believe, at times like this, that this inscrutable God is teaching me something about myself by giving me work to do that I don't understand. I had a similar situation about two years ago and the only conclusion that I could come to was that God was giving me an object lesson in compassion. Which is a thing that I badly need, cuz I'm not really a compassionate guy.

I really hope you can take some comfort in the lessons you learned from your friend.
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"What if Spartacus had had an airplane?"
-- Dathon

http://famousdeadmormons.com

[NotMolly]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never lost anyone I love. I haven't ever dealt with death, so this does make me wonder how I will feel when the situation presents itself. I'm not sure what I believe about God anymore, but I could certainly see myself reverting back to comforting beliefs when someone I love eventually dies.
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I won't say I'm no better than anybody else, but I'll be danged if I ain't just as good!
-Aunt Eller (Oklahoma!)

[whichway]

I'm sorry for your loss. Hopefully you were able to find some personal peace by helping to comfort his family at such a difficult time.

I haven't had many experiences with cancer-related deaths, but I did have one just a few months ago. I lost an aunt who had been battling it for a while, seemingly successfully. She took a sudden turn and we lost her.

She was not a member of the church, but did attend a Christian church.

I waiting in line for over two hours to pass by her casket and bid her farewell and to share embraces with my cousins and uncle. There were easily over a thousand people who came to pay their respects. She lived in a way that exemplified service, self-sacrifice, and love.

As I pondered her passing, I came to the personal realization that I can't believe in a God who is going to withhold any possible blessing from this woman. And, I couldn't believe that there was anything "left" that needed to be done (i.e., temple work).

It is hard to find God in situations such as these. I don't know if I've found Him yet in my experience with my aunt. But I have found peace in seeing how she lives on through her family and friends memories and lives.

[Latterday Skeptic]

Thanks to all who responded. I think this just brings into focus, again, my main questions r/t me and my church involvement. How much do I want to let the church dictate to me what kind of person I need to be w/ its endless meetings, focus on the institution and conformity, vs. me deciding what kind of person I want to be and dictating to the church exactly how much involvement and conformity I'm willing to do. I don't want the latter half of my life to have been spent in a tooth and nail fight w/ the church. I was unhappy before, as a TBM, but I can't say I'm ridiculously all that much happier as a NOM.

I question if I'll gain any better happiness as an inactive or ex-Mormon, as long as I'm the only one in the family. If my kids and wife remain TBM, then I am destined for the inevitable conflict between the supernatural and endless pushing from the LDS. I will constantly be trying to "Prove" I'm still a decent human being worth being around to those whose interactions are also inevitable and important to me. But I'll still never measure up. I just don't have the energy or fortitude for that. So I'm stuck in a hell of my own making...I would sure love to find a way to make the last half of my life better than the first one.

Attempting to do something, not assigned, for this gentleman was a step in the right direction. I'm sick of assignments. I want my efforts to be my free will offering, not some coerced form of service because I have to "return and report", or because somebody in "authority" feels God speaks to them personally and I need to jump and say "how high" just because they're in authority over me. I've lived my life too long by external motivations and expectations. I don't want them anymore. I can't internalize so much about Mormonism, it's making me sick to continue to try to do so.

Latterday Skeptic
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“I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.” -- Ronnie Shakes

[LadyWisdom]

I commend you and your wife for making the comfort quilt for your friend. I can tell you have such a heart of compassion for others. You wrote:

[alas]

I am late seeing this thread also. NOM seems to be busier lately and I can't keep up with everything.

Anyway, the blanket will comfort the family, and even if your friend is really all the way gone, with no life after death the people who remember him and love him know that you cared enough to do this, and they know how loved he was in his work environment. If there is no life after death, then the important thing is to comfort the living, and you did succeed there.

If there is life after death, then your friend does know now how loved he was.

If I was planning the funeral, I would put the blanket on display.
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[overit]

LDSkeptic, I have avoided posting here b/c this kind of thing is a little too fresh for me right now. However, I do want you to know that your thoughtfulness is so admirable and I think our good thoughts, intentions and energy have a profound affect on the world-we just may not be aware of it. I know that sounds a little hokey, but I hope you get what I am trying to say. Also, even though you did not know this person really well (did I get that right?), it seems like you are still grieving a loss. It is really normal to think of the things you did not get done "in time." We just cared for a loved one during decline/death and my children were so attentive: they took over virtually all of the medical care, and some of that was pretty brutal, but through these acts of service, they were just trying to shower all of the love they had for this family member. It was so impressive especially given their young ages. But the other day the one who had "taken charge" and directed the rest of us in the health care management, mentioned to me that she regretted that the loved one had asked my dd to send a text message from the phone she got for x-mas, and dd had failed to do that. I was shocked that she had such a regret b/c the loved one died days after x-mas and we were all taking care of dear loved one during x-mas, so there was no time for this sort of thing, and btw I can only hope that my dd will be there to attend to me in such a loving way when I go-she was so amazing!

My point in sharing this is that once again, I think this is a normal reaction to death, and two, and most importantly, you showed this person love and concern in a time of need even if he did not actually receive the physical end product of your efforts. He was lucky to have you watching over him, and I do think the family will treasure your gift. I am sorry you are hurting, though, but admire your compassionate heart.
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"The history of progress is written in the blood of men and women who have dared to espouse an unpopular cause, as, for instance, the black man's right to his body, or woman's right to her soul."
Emma Goldman