New Order Mormon

(A New Hope)
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:34 pm 
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Location: provo, prozac induced happy valley
so it's taken me a while before i could get to this page, but i finally sat down and read it. i'm sure i could use some fine tuning on setting boundaries. at least i can figure out when they're being crossed now instead of just being mad and not realizing WHY such a "little thing" made me so mad. it's sort of the pattern of boundary crossing that sets me off. not the specific incident. like those days when you're so overwhelmed and all the sudden you find yourself bawling because the socks have been matched up wrong and it's made more work for you to do...it's never really about the socks.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 8:28 am 
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myheadhurts wrote:
at least i can figure out when they're being crossed now instead of just being mad and not realizing WHY such a "little thing" made me so mad. it's sort of the pattern of boundary crossing that sets me off not the specific incident.


Insight is a good thing to have. Congratulations.

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I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe. -Frank Zappa
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I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken. - Oliver Cromwell
I may be mistaken too. Shhh, it happens.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 12:24 pm 
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Thanks Mel for this; http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Touch-You ... 096291620X is # 1 in my “Books I should buy” list now. Like others I need some time to read and absorb this new information.

I’m also doing some work with the SSW at the place we live now. Started with self esteem, anger management, assertiveness, be more loving to ourselves, forgiving (to others and ourselves), etc. I am so excited to have the opportunity to learn new ways to face life’s challenges and the issue with boundaries it has being so neat! I find that when I am able to be assertive and set boundaries to people (my children, my ex, my coworkers, angry customers, etc) I am less subject to feel victimized and or abused.

It helps with my children to know I deserve and expect respect and I’ll do the same to others (this also applies to the other people in my list).

Greenfrog, thanks for the examples on how to approach it in an assertive and respectful-non aggressive manner.

I have had a hard time being assertive and having healthy boundaries with a bishop once before. He said he was concerned about me, he was ready to acuse me of apostasy so he decided the only way to believe I wasn’t part of an “anti” group was to go into my email box. I felt violated by his request. But when the SP approved it; I figured it was my only way out. So we went online and I opened my email inbox, he saw who I talked to. I told him no to opening my emails. _That is private! I said. That was good enough, I got my TR.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 12:31 pm 
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Mafalda wrote:
Thanks Mel for this; http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Touch-You ... 096291620X is # 1 in my “Books I should buy” list now. Like others I need some time to read and absorb this new information.
This book was my first step in developing boundaries. Its an easy read and is really helpful in my opinion.

Mafalda, I am very impressed with you. You are a class act.

Melodica

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The key to happiness is inner peace. ... love, compassion, and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness. ....Dalai Lama

the church itself is built on appearances with style trumping substance...Korihor Jr.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 7:54 pm 
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Can't believe your bishop and your SP did this. It was wrong as your mail box is just that YOURS; but good for you to say you can't read my e-mails, in the end!

I hope I am never accused of this, and don't think I will be because I now have a supportive new bishop and the SP behind me; but if I ever did, I would use Janice Allred's defense, she was awesome.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 11:17 pm 
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Quote:
This book was my first step in developing boundaries. Its an easy read and is really helpful in my opinion.


Went to Barnes and Noble looking for that book and "Women & authority" from Maxine Hanks. Can you believe they didn't have them? Anyways they'll have them next week, but since I was there I wanted to take something home and I got Carolyn Jessop's book. That's my read for tonight! :D

The funny thing that happen was that I ran into my former bishop and his wife at the bookstore, I was wearing a tube shirt (the one that has no sleeves and no straps). Do you think they realized I have no garments on? 8)

Anyways; we just said hi! and ran to opposite directions (I had my toddler running wild) no questions were asked.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 10:46 am 
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Ok, I am getting better at establishing boundaries with church leaders. Last night we met with stake president. He wants us to wait three weeks before he honors our request. I stopped him cold when he wanted to explain why the church is a church of order,effectively stating we know the drill and didn't want to hear that, that we were here because he told us he wanted to help our family. He started asking us how committed we would be to the church, if he moved our records and asking would we, a year from now, be unhappy and want to change again because we were offended. He prefaced it that it would sound impertinent. I told him this was not only that but insulting, and irrelevant and that I don't think he gets the real pain I have been through and that we are just hanging on for our son. He did not like me saying that and says I have to call you on that as it is important I know this. We said we basically said it is not. We are committed to Christ, my husband says, not to the church... so we were upfront that we will not be fully active as it no longer works for us in the way it used to. ( DH was only semi active before.) We said, "No, that idea of waiting three weeks , it doesn't work for us." Well, DH did. I said it was "prolonging the inevitable" but I agreed reluctantly, out of deference to the fact he agreed to honor it if it didn't work for us. My DH then asks "We have no choice, do we?' My husband and I do not fully trust him that he will honor our request in three weeks, like he said he would.

He wants to wait until the new boundaries are announced and are in place, thinking that will make a difference for us, it won't as we are not going to try and start all over again in another ward, when we, my daughter and I made connections here and received confirmation that this is where we will be when our son comes home. He brought up blessings might be there in another ward for us, my DH totally told him "What do you mean?" and told him that the Lord has already blessed him and there is none greater than what he has already received...a conversion to Christ" SP agreed, amazingly. I think he realized this decision was mainly for the rest of the family, mainly for our son, to assure him we have a place where our family is accepted, if we want to be there, but my husband did admit that he hopes to become friends with a few there, too.

I have to say that I think Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is the best book on the subject of boundaries that I ever read, even though there are others out there. I read it 2. 5 years ago. It really explains how the whole process works and how people react and how we even feel or doubt ourselves as we are learning to do this.


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